988
2015
"This is the National Suicide Hotline, this is Lena speaking. I want to let you know you're on a recorded line. Are you safe right now?" I asked.
"I just wanted to talk to someone." they said, soft and hushed. It appeared like a young female voice.
"Do you have intent to harm yourself?"
"Don't worry about that," she hushed me, whispering softly.
"You sound out of breath, can you tell me where you are right now?" I asked.
"I don't want help, I just want to talk to someone," she again, soft and out of breath.
"I really want to help you, can you please help me answer a few questions?" I asked.
"Hmm."
"Do you want to or have you attempted to harm yourself?" I asked again softly and slowly, hoping and pleading for a response.
"I can't tell you that, I don't want help, just talk to me," she said.
"It sounds like you're in a car, are you driving?" I asked concerned.
"I am driving, but pulling over soon," she said.
"Where are you pulling over?" I asked, desperate.
"I drank a bottle of drano and swallowed pills, can you please just talk to me, I am not going to tell you where I am."
I took a deep breath, scared to move as I held the phone tight to my ear, as if my grip could somehow convince her. I waved over another volunteer to listen in on my line.
"Can you tell me your name? I want to help you," I pleaded. Looking at the tall thin man across the room who was listening in, he was confused as to what was going on. I typed in the chat, "drank poison, won't tell me where she is, caller id is missing."
Fuck, he typed back.
"It doesn't matter, my name. Just please stay with me as I sit in my car," it sounded as if she had pulled over.
"I am not going to leave you, but you called here and I think you want help, something in you made you call. You will not get in trouble, just please tell me where you are." I was begging, my voice started to shake.
"Life is so strange isn't it?" her voice trailed. .
"Please tell me your location," I pressed.
"I just hope it all turns out okay in the end," she was getting fuzzy and slurring her speech.
"Please tell me where you are," I started to shake. I wanted to jump through the phone.
She just breathed into the phone.
"Please."
Her line dropped. The noise of the open line sounded deafening.
It took me a few seconds to look at the volunteer who had been on the line with me.
"Is this your first?" he asked.
"My first?" I was confused.
"Your first suicide on the phone?" he clarified.
I nodded.
"I'm really sorry, they're tough. Take a breath and maybe get some water or a coffee before your next call," he instructed.
"Thanks, I'll get some in a little."
"This is the National Suicide Hotline, this is Lena speaking. I want to let you know you're on a recorded line. Are you safe right now?" I asked.