along the hudson

I walked the same route along the Hudson River for a year. It began the day I found out my partner of two years was cheating. I awoke to calls going to his iPad. He was away. I answered and the truth became harsh, yet clear. I smashed the device and tied my laces. I left my apartment around 5 am and didn't stop walking until 9 am.

From that day forward, I traced the same path, immersed in my thoughts. I was seeking answers I seemed to be able to find inside my feet oscillating from front to back. I thought about all that happened. And as the year unraveled and worse things occurred, the route seemed to heal me. It did what other things I tried hadn’t. The psychedelic drugs, the therapy, the phone calls. I'm not sure why? Maybe because it was just me and my memories. Just me, with nothing to distract from what I was feeling.

But the walks weren't just me being present with how I got out of the darkness, but how to live in it. How to accept it before I left it.

The things I told myself along when it was just me and the water were things I couldn't even say aloud. They were things that I would feel dumb saying to my therapist or a friend. They were insane and ridiculous, but my mind didn't care. So I listened to them until they weren't so scary, so real. And I suppose over time they morphed, not completely, sometimes the dark ones still show up.

You will be alone forever. Why did you think he wouldn't cheat? Of course he would. You don't deserve love. Everything you have that is good will go away, it always does. You only date damaged people and you always will. Does everyone think I am ugly? I can't believe I am back where I started. The abortion was traumatic because it was a mistake. That child is adorable and you could have had that. Thank god you ended things this time, he would have cheated too. Do I attract bad people? Do I secretly want to be hurt? You don’t deserve much, even this view will be out of reach one day. Maybe I’m meant to suffer? The city is so large. So, very big. How many stories does that person have? Have they had an abortion? Do they hate people who have had an abortion? Are they happy? What is happiness though? Is it a neurotransmitter or just a thing we made up? Why do I hate myself so deeply? Will I always feel this way? The breeze, ugh the breeze. If I have coffee this late will I sleep or spiral? That’s a cute dog, should I get a dog? Or is it a distraction? It already feels less painful. Bad things happen, but does that make me bad? No, Right? I remember the picnic over there on the grass, that was a perfect day. I am so glad I chose my life. I wasn't ready. The sun feels so nice. I did wear SPF, right? Where will I be in 25 years? Will I be walking here? What if I have to move? It's okay if they don't like me. It's not my fault. What if it will all be okay? Maybe this is happiness? I am enough, right?

I read once* the reason walking helps people process is because of the lateral eye movement— it helps us process traumatic events through suppressing our amygdala, reducing our neurological fear response. Leaving room in our minds to tackle complex emotions.

I'm not sure exactly how it worked, but I know the path along the river saved me. It forced me to say all the things I couldn't. I had fought for so long to resist. I fought the feeling part of the pain because I had held onto the notion that if I just "got through it", it would get better, I would heal. But accepting the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs, I realized none and all of them were true. That nothing defined me, because they were just thoughts and they could be both true and false if I decided they were. They could become a part of me, or they couldn't.

*Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a form of psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories such as post-traumatic stress disorder