i wished you 

No one tells you what to do with happiness.

 

You wait so long to find it. To feel free, but safe with someone. To be moved by them. To light up

with excitement, but not riddled with the anxiety that you once called chemistry. But when it strikes you, sometimes it can feel as scary as when you see flags colored scarlet. 

 

I always was comfortable in seeing bad things in my partners, knowing that when they hurt me, it was expected and controlled.  

 

I remember the moment I met him, as he walked up smiling at me on a West Village sidewalk, having matched on a dating app two days before. Smiling, I didn’t know what to do with his presence. I also didn’t know what to do when he was patient and listened. Or when he was funny and not at my expense. Or when he was interesting and interested all at once. 

 

I didn’t know what to do with all the time and space I felt in a few minutes with him. I was drowning in a feeling that was foreign, but that I had imagined for so long in my mind. I had wanted him for so long, but I had only know him minutes. 

Date after date, I kept thinking there was a truth that might be unveiled. Divorced? Weird fetish? Disney adult?

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But one month, turned into two, and then three and it all felt as if the small amount of fear just became silent. I knew he was someone that was meant to be in my life, for a long time. 

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I didn't know the length, I still don't. But I know he is what I had needed long before I knew I even what it even felt like exactly.

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